A Tattered Life

Life is not the same again. But how do you manage change occurring in every facet of life? Almost without exception wives dominate the home. Innumerable decisions want to be made. Maids invariably report problems to the lady first, such as leaky roofs or broken something. Then grocery lists, party chores, house bills, infants, etc, etc wait to be handled. Not to mention the heartaches and headaches of school. Even the dogs can sense that the madam is the first to hand out (or hold back) the treats. A bachelor has a much reduced scope at home, but a sudden widower will have a steep learning curve. Certainly a most disruptive life-change.
But concerning separation, someone is prone to say, in a strangely comforting sense, that it is far better to be widowed than be divorced.

"I always say that you need 10 times more energy to divorce than to marry...suffering and anguish even more when involving children...(sic)...for that I will likely never marry again. (abrid.)" - J Koizumi (former Japanese PM)

Nov 23 2016: It was like a death sentence. I now see the full gravity of what Shakespeare meant about no punishment being greater than having to live on after losing what you live for.

I did all I humanly could. Those hours and days carrying her on her feet, bathing, cleaning and every little thing to comfort her, knowing she couldn't speak. There were dark days when her face showed distress but I had no way to know. Staying by her side, talking, singing, praying, knowing she treasured friends and company. And after 4  gruelling years came the punishing separation of death.

Dec 1 2016: So life demands changes. Death cannot be as near as the departure of a soulmate. But after that change is sweeping. Can one handle that?

Dec 12 2016: Two acorns were fallen side by side, but one sprouted much more vigorously. Soon the grown tree overgrew and overwhelmed the other fledgling plant. But the weaker sapling was enjoying the shade and protection of his companion from the wind and snow and was quite happy with its soulmate and the companionship. One day the stronger tree withered and died. Why? I was so happy staying in the shadows and enjoying the rest of my life without effort. But it soon got the full energy of the sun and rain, the hail and the gale. It strengthened its roots fighting the elements alone. The fledgling grew without bounds into a gigantic oak tree, much bigger than its fallen partner. Now I know. Growth unlimited. (Collected words - YKT)
Credit:Microsoft ClipArt
Jan 2017: "I didn't kill her, sure I could have made her happier, but I didn't kill her", sounded like a quote from a criminal probe. But self recriminations like that persists in longing for those gone before.

Valentine's Day 2017: "Is been said it doesn't happen, but I would marry her again when I meet her in heaven."

7 Mar 2017: "She's no longer your wife you know...", someone said to me ruefully. Still I was taken aback.

12 Mar 2017: It came back last night - the nightmare of the worst experience of her stroke that I didn't record in the blog, and wished I'd forgotten. It was about the time when her cranoplasty insert was infected. She sat up on the bath chair and seemed to slowly turn her head left, eyes open. Then she let out a most hideous scream that I've ever heard from her. It must be something most horrible about brain hemorrhage, that I can never imagine. We know so little about Death, so much about suffering. That's the time when I had to face it all alone. If only God can cradle us in moments like this. Anybody.
Man at bridge holding head with hands and screaming 
The Scream - Edvard Munch 1893
Mar 16: The consummate leader she was. Last night's dream was the first since her passing. We were together in a bus crowded with Canadians heading to Florida. How can such a long trip cost only $4, she kept wondering what's wrong. How to pay she asked a man, who quietly walked to his wife ignoring her as she stared at him, disbelieving. She had a cup of tea! (She never had hot drinks) Here was I as usual secured and comfortable everytime I travel with her by my side, leaving her the worry. How come so cheap? She asked, while I just followed as usual, like a sheep. As I passed her her cup she took out a stick of ice cream from it. Maybe there's a town called Florida in Canada, I added but she ignored me, as usual stumped by how this happened. "Thank you for Christmas", I piped, now only realizing I've never thanked her once for all these years of leadership, caring and paying for everything.

^^End of Page, Next "Remains of our life"^^

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