Remains of our Life

Even as part of our joining gets ripped off at death our living half remains. That's a mystery. That's why I fail to understand except for companionship and sex why men remarry. Of course we start a new page or a new chapter. Our old pages and chapters are still there, and often I turn back the pages. How do you remain till you meet again, perhaps?

1 Apr 2017: I met her again last week in the bus. The dream was so surreal that I had a reverse nightmare yesterday. Had fallen asleep knowing she was dead. Then when I woke up she's still gone. You know when you've gotten so used to depending on someone, every corner you turn is wrong once she's gone...

5 Apr 2017: There can be no experience potentially as devastating to one's belief in a loving God as a sudden departure of a loving spouse. Nothing! Why has He done nothing? As if it doesn't concern Him, or that He doesn't actually exist. And one wanders along the remainder of a solitary life wondering what next? Can one be "normal" again? It must be really hard for a fellow believer to help. Every morning I hope a new day will dawn, but no, still the same.

"A man must always keep his head up, whatever the circumstances"

26 Apr 2017:  Can Death be liberating? From the first day when I trusted her completely to do everything she wanted, I've taken a back seat. So much so that it became stifling. Not anymore. That is positive. Something to really thank God for.

15 May 2017: If God intends us to finish well then why do we get tortured with incapacity and loneliness? So it cannot be from Him if God is good? But He allows it.
Living the life to the full means what?? Freedom to live (and love) again!? Unbridled living and #&*!?

23 May 2017: Responsibility killed Miranda. I finally realized it.  Here was a soul who was brought up from young to be helpful. All her life she took upon herself to do more and more for others. She always avail herself, even if she could easily ask me to help. So stressed was her, even at vacations when others would depend on her entirely for the arduous tasks she took to herself unstintingly. And society hates a vacuum. The more she undertook for her immense capability, the more others will load her willingness to volunteer. But something has to give. She pushed and pushed at work and play until the weakened cerebral vessel bursts. Extremes in life can destroy. If we do not share our tasks however lofty, we will only kill ourselves. I pine for the times when I could give my part, but Miranda is not wont to have others do what she could do. Now I'm alone, holding the can.

3 Jun 2017: I get it - What God joins let no one part asunder. God and God only makes and then breaks the bonds of marriage at death. Nothing one can complain about.

16 Jun 2017: In their rush the dogs brushed me off my feet, when I fell throwing their food asunder. I lay their for a while, cry it off and took my time to get up. I'm sure she saw my plight from heaven.

"I'm going to heaven - I'll help you from above" - Grenfell Tower victim on phone to her mother (June 14 2017)

1 Jul 2017: So I killed my dogs accidentally in my driveway. No end of sadness. She must have looked sadly from heaven too. Perfect storm - gate to cage opened, dark and I was anxious to drive up to meet them thinking they were caged. Oh God. Wished she can protect us somehow.

"We live in partial knowledge of today and perfect knowledge of yesterdays"
"And living the unknown tomorrows thru our mistakes, we are imperiled by our forgetting the past."

3 Jul 2017: One mistake and I am thrown back to the abyss of grief. My heart was about to fail from sorrow - first her life and now her dogs, our wonderful babies. God has to unload the overloading sorrow by filling the void with His love.

The carnage of Princess and Jeri jarred me to these truths:
1. My increasing forgetfulness has tragic consequences.
2. My decreasing visual acuity requires me to drive home before dark.
3. Age necessitates one slow down and recheck oneself mentally to avoid rash decisions. It takes the traumatic death of my babies to drive home these conclusions. Thank you Princess and Jeri.

End of page. Next post - Dawn

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