Boxing Day 2015: Like a lost child however I look she will not be found. Goodbyes are never glad. As I say farewell to an old year, so say I to her, things getting smaller.

The time has come, the Walrus did say, to speak of many things - of ships and shoes and sealing wax, of cabbages and Queens." - L Carrol (adapted)

Tried as I might to revive her, had no chance to speak of so many things and vicissitudes of our shared life to my departed. Even goodbye.

Dec 29 2015: Met an angel today. No I'm not hallucinating. My groceries was charged to him inadvertantly and as he heard my story shared God's caring. Then for several seconds standing in the car-park in the rain, he prayed for me.

"I never think of tomorrow, just today" - Hideki Togi, Gagaku artist

Her Favorite Photos

(Left) Just married circa 1982, Niagara Falls (?) Michigan
(Below) She keeps this one (and also the left) at her desk.

Jan 3 2016: Confidence - that's what every child needs to face life, as much as they need. Without saying a word to me these past 4 years I saw it in her, even facing death. Sure there were moments of frantic struggle in her eyes as she fought to regain her mind. But still towards the end her quiet submission in strength showed. I attribute it entirely to her parents (and teachers) who gave her such positive outlook in life and death. So infectious.

Jan 4 2016: 37 years ago I left home for Wisconsin, with a faint hope of meeting Miranda again after she departed for Canada. Its been a long time ago, and how things have changed! But today as I went about washing the car (maid has left) I remember her words about taking pride in our possessions keeping clean. Amazing how becoming a stakeholder changes our habits.

Jan 10: Now I understand that when someone is so besotted with a departed death knocks at the door. There is a yearning to reach out and talk to the beloved. But waiting for Death to come in order to meet your loved one again? There's still living to do. So we're accountable for our living, not for our dying.

Jan 12 2016: Life is like a journey on a bus, she once wrote to me just after we first met in N. America. We were mere passengers together. Some would stay together to the end of the journey, while others leave halfway. Its been almost 40 years and I doubt she'll remember this if she'd still be alive today. How uncanny! She was writing about herself getting off before me.

Jan 15th: Moan like cattle, shout like mad, scream to release - these are what psychologists say. Stay rational, whatever, by all means. Miranda died burning herself out for others. People whom she bend over double for may not even watch this blog. But something in us died with her.

Jan 19th 2016: Awful, really awful to be strucked with the deepest loneliness. But I keep telling myself to not be depressed because life and death are inseparable. If I had enjoyed 30 years of Miranda's life I have to accept her death, which is inevitable to all.

Jan 20 2016: What has Miranda left behind in her legacy? Talent and gifts. Her sports and quick wit were obvious talents. But her endearing gifts was being what she was - her disarming character of generosity, kindness etc. It has been said that death removes the bodily limitations of sickness and weaknesses and allows complete freedom for the spirit to commune with us. I crave for this fellowship in my abysmal loneliness.

Jan 23 2016: Farewell! Farewell! Farewell! You promised to wave to me from the corner when I reach the other side.

Jan 29 2016: And I will never forget you...never.

Jan 31:  35th anniversary 2016

Feb 18 2016: First Lunar New Year alone is filled with abysmal sadness.

My champion is gone.

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