Monday, 19 October 2015


There's nothing more to report Miranda's recovery so this blog ends. But we the readers live on. At the beginning I resolved that this catastrophe or any other personal tragedies not remain so - maybe we can turn it into a positive blessing to our lives, So what can I or others learn from a sudden death of a spouse? These sleepless nights many what-ifs floated in my mind.

Why only today do I long to be nearer and closer to treasure this blessed soul when she was around?

How can I redeem many years of neglect from now onward?

Maybe there will be others in the routine and busyness of life have gotten into personal neglect of each other - could there be an insight to gain and work on henceforth?

How can I honor Miranda and her values instead of regretting the past.

Are there any mirandas out there? Can we value them more? Can their soulmates make them happier now when she's around?

Will this be useless in this blog? Should this discussion continue? I am not sure. But I am trying to heal and the empty void is big and getting heavier. I need help. Maybe others too in future.

"While she was alive I fasted and wept, thinking who knows? The Lord may be gracious to let her live. But now she's gone can I bring her back? I will go to her but she will not return now to me. And David got up, cleaned, worshipped and ate."  - 2 Samuel 12: 22-23 (adapted)

Postscript: It has been cathartic to write "Private Thoughts" during the darkest days of my journey - now released from embargo. God used writing to keep me off the edge of insanity. Even now in the process of bereavement I've kept the personal struggle going in its update. One has to muddle through the woods of deep personal separation. Hopefully one day I can look back thankfully to have made it. Maybe others too.


  1. Dear Kian, You have touched many in your blog as you have bared your soul to the web world. What courage! Like many, I have wept with you while reading the blog, and dared to feel hope on Miranda's good days with you. Think about converting this blog into a book! You will continue to touch lives in spite of the void in your heart. My prayers are with you. God Bless.

  2. I have taken her for granted as she supported me during the good years. I had resisted her for not caring for others as she did and refrained from BTI functions when I could spend more time with her wonderful group (male pride). And I could communicated more than just life companions. Maybe even made her sad (she's too considerate to say so). No point regretting now. Just hope it will help others.

  3. Dear Kian , you are a devoted and caring husband. Not many people could measure up to you in terms of love and care you gave your late wife. May God bless you richly and give you wisdom and courage during this period. Take care

  4. Dear Kian, much as I hope you would read this comment, I hope you wouldn't too, as that would mean you had moved on...

    You had shown tremendous strength and faith in the entire journey for the last four years and great generosity too in allowing the world to share this highly demanding task in almost real time. Despite this most difficult time you are facing now, you did not miss the opportunity to share it with the world so others can learn from it. You talked about male pride refraining you from attending more of BTI's functions but you did not shy away when she needed to depend on you completely in the last few years of her life. It takes a lot of a person to be able to give and not take, to go through daily ups and downs and not lose faith. I think you need to give yourself more credit for what you had done for her. And I think she had left behind much more than your regret. I'm sure she will be relieved if you would walk out of the shadow from the last few years and start finding back your life again. You said you need help and I hope you will find help.

    I only know Miranda as the Miranda Yap when doing my undergraduate in NUS and had not personally spoken to her. However, she had made great difference in my life. She set up BTI and the BIP program with the intention of training graduates with the skills required to enter the industry. My husband was one of them who benefitted from the program, well mostly...

    For 4.5 years in grade school, we studied in two different places, seeing each other 3-4 times a year. Thus, when we graduated, we hope to find a common location so we could finally settle down and start out lives together. My husband receive acceptance to the BIP program. It tipped our decision scale and we came back to Singapore. He started the first day at BIP the day we landed.
    Despite his greatest ambition to enter the biopharmaceutical industry, in the end, he received acceptance from a non-related industry and had to leave BIP before the end of the program. He approached Miranda with a heavy heart. To his surprise, Miranda took no exception and instead, shared with him her vision, plans and goals for BTI. Her big heart greatly touched my husband that day and he continued to share his privileged experience with her up to this day. We cannot find a better leader than whom he saw that day.
    And so it was with heavy hearts when we pay our last respect to Miranda that day at your place.

    Her achievements live on in what she left behind, including the people she had touched, and especially you who lived so close to the fire. Please keep her fire burning, let her feel proud of what you will accomplish after she had gone back home, until you meet again.

    Please take care.

  5. Dear Kian
    Just got back from the wilds of Yunnan where all Google accounts access were block. Read about n
    Miranda passing - have no words except to grieve with you and just be a friend to you like she was to me.

    Will treasure fondly the memories she created when our journeys for a brief time as fellow travellers - the warm hospitality, graciousness at the many pohpiah and durian makans.

    Keep strong and live life fully without her as she would have wanted you to.


  6. Thank you all. Your words have dispelled my loneliness.

  7. Dear Kian,

    We have just come to know each other, but it is my strong belief that our linking up is not an accident, but by HIS grace and predetermined by HIM.

    You period of bereavement continued, and continues even as at now, and that is clear testimony of what a loving husband you are to your wife.

    Joseph M. Scriven ca 1855, wrote the hymn "What a friend we have in Jesus", and he was in some similar situation as yours, save that you had spent so many loving years with your wife, and such companionship had built for you such a great loving bond with your wife. I don't know whether that is an advantage to you or otherwise. I believe that it is best that you read for yourself what the hymnologist had commented on the case of Joseph M. Scriven. So I attach hereinafter the link as follows:- "" .

    May God be gracious to you, and enable you to experience Hope, Joy and Peace, again.

    In Christ Love! Kiong.

  8. Dear Kian
    I was made aware of Miranda passing away today by an email. I hope you can gather motivation and strength walk on.
    I and Eva send our best wishes and prayers.