It has been one and a half years and it could even be seven, ten or what. Someone more than a companion - my best hope for a better life - gone. Since her stroke life is one of emotional privation. I wasn't even aware that I was fighting some form of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). Memories of better times and thoughts of the foreboding future haunt everyday. Continuing with this thinking will miss a vital point - I must complete this journey. A positive mind will make it lighter, despite the realities.
First, this blog is something to be thankful for. Kept me sane. It cheered me to know even people from far away read for prayer or concern. All who care for Miranda makes me thankful. The myriad acts of kindness that I otherwise would not have. Her profound and catastrophic illness seemed like suddenly, something switched her off . But for me it has been sort of a rebirth. Visitors - many strangers before, endue me with much encouragement, strength in ways I've never seen nor ever will in a spartan lifestyle. Their very presence than words are cause for thankfulness. Then there are the unseen blessings - many remember Miranda in their daily prayers. The struggle for her well-being is titanic because of all those lives she touched. Acts of concern and gifts of books, food and what else ended up with me. Thinking of it prods me on. Miranda helped too. Her thriftiness in savings enable me to cope financially, although she might have planned to eventually give it all away. She left me credit cards. Even her kindness to buy an insurance to oblige a friend came back to help, although she was already adequately covered at work during that time. Finally the dogs make me thankful - whenever they see me their tails wag unconditionally. Imagine for someone else who's not Miranda, with none of these blessings how much heavier is it to carry the bed-bound sick for what's left of life. Grim.
8am: Her head is turned forwards than locked sideways, but her eyes look blank ahead. Something is changing inside her brain? Pray that it is positive.
Tuesday 26 Feb 8pm: She responds to stroking on her left forehead by closing her eyes in pleasure. But I still cannot say she understands what I say.
Friday 1 Mar 8pm: Exactly a year and half - time Marches on. She's prone to look straight at me as if pleading a request. But no words and I could only walk away baffled.
Monday 4 Mar 10am: So I wheeled her around the house yesterday, hoping it will bring memories of her entire design, tiles and all. Maybe she will - in time.
Friday 8 Mar 2pm: I tried to cheer her by saying funny things and I could detect the faint trace of a smile. It is not my imagination, I hope.
Monday 11 Mar 2pm: I tried not to let her sunken skull intimidate me into desolation. She can look, even focus but no memory whatsoever of people around her. She's not even attempting to talk nor move her limbs but she is in otherwise good health.
Friday 15 Mar 4pm: "You know, I've got zillions of things to do," she said with her usual high-energy voice. I was exceedingly glad hearing her voice again, and thinking she must have fully recovered. Then I woke up.
Tuesday 19 Mar 3pm: "You know, it'll be good if you can go play golf with me than letting me go alone everyday," I would say to her often before I leave. Then I would detect a faint smile from her face. But my doctor friends say that she's probably not following our conversations.
Friday 22 Mar 8pm: There is definitely some progress on cognition. When I rose from her bed I noticed her eyes tracked me briefly. And there was that smile again. I know her well enough to notice it. But I hope I'm not deluding myself the next time around. But thank God.
Tuesday 26 Mar 10am: She woke up with an exclamation, her voice slurring for quite a while. We might have to re-visit her speech mountain soon.
Friday 29 Mar 5pm: Her legs continue to strengthen despite still not able to swallow smoothly. She shows her pleasure getting to rest on the bed after the daily 3 hours from the wheel chair. At least that emotion is returning.
2009: The ladies' ensemble, Nathaniel Christian orphanage, Rumania
<End of Post> Next: Speech Mountain revisited
Dear KT,This is a difficult journey, a journey that we all will go through in our different ways.If we start with the premise that "Life is difficult" like what M Scott Peck wrote in his first book, life becomes more bearable because we expect the troubles and problems that will come.May God give us the strength to go through this life in victory.
ReplyDeletePKian
Hi Kian, we are praying daily for Miranda and yourself. May you continue to keep close to our Lord for He is our Strength, Comfort and Sustenance through life. We miss you at our Thurs meetings. Do come and join us again... soon.
ReplyDeleteThanks PKian and Evelyn for encouragements. Someone said that faith with absolutely no doubt may not be authentic. Even Mother Teresa and CS Lewis. Makes us all even.
ReplyDeleteHi Mr Kian,It's been a while since I last wrote. Indeed, even in sufferings, we have things to be thankful for. Life throws us curved balls all the time and we need to learn the lessons it teaches. I too recently suffered from a debilitating sickness but have recovered. During this time, this blog has been a source of motivation, inspiration and encouragement as I challenged this set-back.....Dr Miranda Yap continues to be in my prayers. Please take good care
ReplyDeleteThank God you've recovered, please keep strong.
DeleteAm impressed by your writing about being thankful. I guess it is more a question about an attidude/spirit rather than circumstances.
ReplyDeletewishes from Eva too.
All the best
ReplyDeletePraying on for you and Miranda. Christina
ReplyDeleteThank you Lars/Eva, Christina and Anon. She's definitely improving, though v slowly.
ReplyDeleteHi there! I don't know Miranda personally but I do remember I was interviewed by her for a job at BTI when I just graduated. She was very harsh to me during the interview and I left feeling upset and demoralised. I hated her for what she said and complained about her to my family and friends. Now, thinking back, I am glad she gave me a chance. I don't have many interview opportunities and they are so precious to me. I was called down for another interview at BTI in mid 2011 and I'm sure it was Miranda who gave me yet another chance. Unlike most others who just junked my applications, Miranda actually gave me a chance despite my not-so-stellar grades. And I'm thankful for that. I will be keeping her in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteHistory will judge us not by how many stars we create but by how many we caught from falling.
Delete