"When I'm weak then my strength will be perfected"
Elsewhere in the Bible the Apostle Paul also states that his spiritual weakness made him lived like dragging a dead body around. But Miranda is not dead - her Spirit is alive and well, she listens attentively when someone prays or read to her. If she has her mind she would do whatever it takes to end the seemingly unending burden of her illness. So even if she is not completely conscious I should take courage. And remain strong with age. But age has its weaknesses. Sometimes we need superhuman strength. Like this last two weeks of Islamic holidays for the maid. We become more creative when short-handed. Like transfer single-handed.
8 am: Still groaning or trying to express something.
Sunday Aug 10 2 pm: Tenacity from Adversity - two weeks of lone combat. There are no stock answers to to the daily obstacles - all your years of preparation spiritual or not seems mostly irrelevant, just have to get on top of problems. Whether to steady her wobbly legs, clean up the mess from a broken shit-bag at midnight, or change the bedding unaided, smelling from diapers swollen with urine, dragging her body from bed to wheelchair. Most of all need constant eye contact to keep her conscious of the real world. But so many invisible hands at prayer and supporting. Can almost feel the encouragement.
Sunday Aug 17 10 am: Inexplicable sadness. That engulfed me this morning. I had dream of seeing her well again holding a sketch pad in her hand. "I want to experience what the resurrection of Christ is like", and she proceeded to sketch lions and other animals. She was not good at drawing. But love animals. I woke up depressed. When you lose someone that close everything else pales. Amazing that people can live themselves to death and yet not notice the depth and intricacies of our lives.
Monday Aug 25 8 am: Happy 66th! If only she would say what she wishes for.
Thursday Aug 28 9 am: Well-wishers, grateful thanks - for your visits especially, including A*Star staff and chairmen. You don't know how much a fillip you've given to a silent, odious life of care-giving. I'm sure Miranda felt it in her own way..
Monday Sep 1 noon: Found out how to reduce bed sores and fungal infection for comatose patients - transfer at their urine cycles. 5 times a day had to shift positions from lying to seating and bed and clearing the bladder at each shift. Need strong arms and backs for lifting. Three years to this day of due diligence. What is the meaning of this life?
Monday Sep 8 8 pm: How else can I stimulate her mind other than standing her up in 3 hour intervals and moving around the house? The urine cycles are also not consistent and can be really frustrating. Now the emphasis is developing her sense of time and space.
Sunday Sep 14 8 am: Yesterday she looked normal, but still unable to turn to attention. Hope she will be restored - such an encouragement for many.
Wednesday Sep 17 4 pm: The only gratifying response I have is when she looked so relieved after an exercise to flop on the wheelchair or the bed. Can almost detect a smile of content. Pray that her senses continue to recover as she sits rocking on her exercises. Only then will it speed her restoration.
Friday Sep 26 1 pm: So in order to wake up her consciousness we moved her around the house, standing as often to arouse her sense of space and time. If I don't do it who will?
<End of Post> Next - Time and Space
Friday, 1 August 2014
Monday, 5 May 2014
Glimmer
Once in a long while, midst a frighteningly
unending storm, comes a faint glimmer of light. Miranda now focuses more
readily when I eyeball her, and seems to listen to words. I can feel that
she responds more to exercises that train her cognition of space and time. But
she needs more time to track visitors, utter a vocal response or swallow food
normally. Often sleep escapes her. Without any feedback I've been crestfallen. Seeing no future, I wanted badly out of this. But
there are glimmers of hope, just. Being immobile she faces other problems. Like an
automobile, parts of a human being fail through lack of use. Her gums bled
after more than two years not biting on food. Her feet developed painful corns
as her brain fails to do proper pronation that we do unconsciously.
For me I felt like I'm kept by my shoes! And I live on the shoestrings of
hope.
9 am: A week of strenuous striving. Standing ground in the most arduous climb against insurmountable
elements. The least I could do is not to slide downhill.
Saturday May 10 10 am: Inactive hands but overactive legs bruised herself against the guard rails. Comatose patients need also to be protected from themselves. Miranda is used to protecting everyone else. Amazing that a broken pipe in the brain reversed all that.
Sunday May 18 9 pm: She tried to talk the other night, but the words came out all garbled and her eyes were looking elsewhere.
Monday May 26 8 pm: Does she feel lonely now when sitting there awake? If so she must be more conscious of her surroundings. Without words from her cannot tell. But now she will focus on the faces of visitors - but uncommunicative. Looking at her missing left forehead can be discouraging.
Sunday Jun 1 9 am: Third night in a row - awake and softly groaning for couple hours. Surely she must be expressing her loneliness.
Friday Jun 6 9 pm: Overcoming spasms this past week - medication to reduce this brain malfunction might have caused extreme drowsiness. But she looked normal this evening.
Tuesday Jun 10 8 am: Had this inexplicable sadness. Hope she continues to improve - hands are softer these days.
Saturday Jun 14 1 pm: Still living in the subconscious, not showing awareness of people around. But I thought I saw her smile this morning.
Friday Jun 20 10 am: Her speech still slow soft uttering. But she is swallowing better. Going for a review Monday.
Tuesday Jun 24 4 pm: Vegetative for the rest of her life? The verdict from the neurosurgeon blows me off - its been more than 2 years I've been carrying her on my back. But when we reached home away from the hospital environment I could see she gave the hint of a generous smile.
Monday Jun 30 10 pm: Though unable to speak, she does value company. Seen from the look of her face when I approach her. Chest congestion, so had to clear it often.
Monday Jul 7 7 pm: Dreaded to go home and see her stricken in bed again. But this time she'll look at me, still unable to acknowledge. Fighting some bedsore rashes.
Friday Jul 25 10 am: So 3 weeks fighting chest congestion. A result of years lying on her back. These days I stand her up often to clear the chest (and also learn to manage waste - the brain has to re-learn this all over again). My legs must remain strong.
<End of Post> Next "Enduring strength"
Saturday May 10 10 am: Inactive hands but overactive legs bruised herself against the guard rails. Comatose patients need also to be protected from themselves. Miranda is used to protecting everyone else. Amazing that a broken pipe in the brain reversed all that.
Sunday May 18 9 pm: She tried to talk the other night, but the words came out all garbled and her eyes were looking elsewhere.
Monday May 26 8 pm: Does she feel lonely now when sitting there awake? If so she must be more conscious of her surroundings. Without words from her cannot tell. But now she will focus on the faces of visitors - but uncommunicative. Looking at her missing left forehead can be discouraging.
Sunday Jun 1 9 am: Third night in a row - awake and softly groaning for couple hours. Surely she must be expressing her loneliness.
Friday Jun 6 9 pm: Overcoming spasms this past week - medication to reduce this brain malfunction might have caused extreme drowsiness. But she looked normal this evening.
Tuesday Jun 10 8 am: Had this inexplicable sadness. Hope she continues to improve - hands are softer these days.
Saturday Jun 14 1 pm: Still living in the subconscious, not showing awareness of people around. But I thought I saw her smile this morning.
Friday Jun 20 10 am: Her speech still slow soft uttering. But she is swallowing better. Going for a review Monday.
Tuesday Jun 24 4 pm: Vegetative for the rest of her life? The verdict from the neurosurgeon blows me off - its been more than 2 years I've been carrying her on my back. But when we reached home away from the hospital environment I could see she gave the hint of a generous smile.
Monday Jun 30 10 pm: Though unable to speak, she does value company. Seen from the look of her face when I approach her. Chest congestion, so had to clear it often.
Monday Jul 7 7 pm: Dreaded to go home and see her stricken in bed again. But this time she'll look at me, still unable to acknowledge. Fighting some bedsore rashes.
Friday Jul 25 10 am: So 3 weeks fighting chest congestion. A result of years lying on her back. These days I stand her up often to clear the chest (and also learn to manage waste - the brain has to re-learn this all over again). My legs must remain strong.
<End of Post> Next "Enduring strength"
Friday, 14 February 2014
Surviving a broken heart
We can. Despite what we hear from songs and read in novels. People have survived on their own - some long after their partners have effectively left them consciously. This past
year I've often asked fellow believers how can God call two people to
live lives together for thirty, forty or even fifty years - then takes
one away. There comes a time when your soul-mate doesn't answer, nor look
at you, nor even feel present. Life takes on a different dimension - very
unlike the time when you first met. But it is not as if your life is
now halved. We should be more than the sum of our singleness.
No more our old selves - just infinitely better. I want to believe that.
And go forth without fear.
Valentine's Day 10 am: Was it just coincidence when she opened her mouth when I was about to brush her teeth? Or raise her head when I told her to? No way to confirm.
Sunday Feb 23 9 pm: Impasse - still little progress on her sense of space and time. But she'll look at visitors who talk straight at her line of sight.
Saturday Mar 1 10 am: Still unable to swallow well for a meal. Will have to live with the feeding tube for a while longer.
Friday Mar 7 11 am: This morning very encouraged by her ability to do her standing physio without the knee stiffener. But she is not fully aware of space and time and not standing without support.
Sunday Mar 9 8 pm: Two years not biting on food must have weakened her gums, causing bleeding. Oral hygiene so important as it affects throat and chest congestion. Also developing bleeding corns on her feet.
Monday Mar 17 10 am: Vertical tolerance on the tilt-table strengthens the lower limbs and engage organ blood circulation, to eventually help her stand again.
Thursday Mar 27 8 pm: Week of fighting a low-grade infection. And a bleeding sore from poor pronation while standing. Battling in silence, today both problems are reducing.
Monday Mar 31 10 am: She looked at me this morning with regard. Slowly becoming a person again. But with other friends she could not make eye-contact, even family.
Thursday Apr 10 8 pm: This past week I had to ask for two miracles. The first was when the dogs attacked two baby cobras wandering in the backyard. After tearing them apart, mommy dog could not open one eye. Daddy dog had a swollen cleft with a lip puncture. He was not expected to live for half an hour. The vet agreed at his age of 10 years it is not worth matching blood for the antidote. So at home I waited for his septicemia collapse. It didn't come. After 3 days without food and shallow rapid breathing he slowly recovered. That was the first miracle. The second is for Miranda. I'm still waiting...
Wednesday Apr 16 7 am: When she saw me this morning there was a soft cry. Have been trying to get her to say something past week. Fighting bed sore.
Good Friday 8 pm: The mind freezes after a prolonged period of sadness and anticipation. Came up for air today.
Sunday Apr 27 10 am: Have been working on her space/time cognition on the tilt table. More could be done there. But she would not swallow anything else except up to 80 ml of coke. She hates milk which is being fed directly, about 2 liters daily.
Sunday May 4 8 pm: Last night she tried - opened her mouth - but no words were uttered.
<End of Posr> Next - Glimmer
Valentine's Day 10 am: Was it just coincidence when she opened her mouth when I was about to brush her teeth? Or raise her head when I told her to? No way to confirm.
Sunday Feb 23 9 pm: Impasse - still little progress on her sense of space and time. But she'll look at visitors who talk straight at her line of sight.
Saturday Mar 1 10 am: Still unable to swallow well for a meal. Will have to live with the feeding tube for a while longer.
Friday Mar 7 11 am: This morning very encouraged by her ability to do her standing physio without the knee stiffener. But she is not fully aware of space and time and not standing without support.
Sunday Mar 9 8 pm: Two years not biting on food must have weakened her gums, causing bleeding. Oral hygiene so important as it affects throat and chest congestion. Also developing bleeding corns on her feet.
Monday Mar 17 10 am: Vertical tolerance on the tilt-table strengthens the lower limbs and engage organ blood circulation, to eventually help her stand again.
Thursday Mar 27 8 pm: Week of fighting a low-grade infection. And a bleeding sore from poor pronation while standing. Battling in silence, today both problems are reducing.
Monday Mar 31 10 am: She looked at me this morning with regard. Slowly becoming a person again. But with other friends she could not make eye-contact, even family.
Thursday Apr 10 8 pm: This past week I had to ask for two miracles. The first was when the dogs attacked two baby cobras wandering in the backyard. After tearing them apart, mommy dog could not open one eye. Daddy dog had a swollen cleft with a lip puncture. He was not expected to live for half an hour. The vet agreed at his age of 10 years it is not worth matching blood for the antidote. So at home I waited for his septicemia collapse. It didn't come. After 3 days without food and shallow rapid breathing he slowly recovered. That was the first miracle. The second is for Miranda. I'm still waiting...
Wednesday Apr 16 7 am: When she saw me this morning there was a soft cry. Have been trying to get her to say something past week. Fighting bed sore.
Good Friday 8 pm: The mind freezes after a prolonged period of sadness and anticipation. Came up for air today.
Sunday Apr 27 10 am: Have been working on her space/time cognition on the tilt table. More could be done there. But she would not swallow anything else except up to 80 ml of coke. She hates milk which is being fed directly, about 2 liters daily.
Sunday May 4 8 pm: Last night she tried - opened her mouth - but no words were uttered.
<End of Posr> Next - Glimmer
Friday, 20 December 2013
Rejuvenating and re-inventing
Another year ends.
These days I keep asking the question: How can one turn a catastrophic ordeal to positive advantage? Despair, hopelessness, fear and abject loneliness is not far away, even if one can mask them with friends. Mental toughness in our inner world comes from rejuvenating, renewing the mind and re-inventing oneself. How can grief be good? I remind myself that there may be better and nobler enterprises in the future ahead. And focusing on a new outlook with ideals that kept hopes alive before. Sure, creatures of comfort and habits hark back to fond memories with ones we missed. Makes us human. Rather than rake up the sadness move on and not before discarding past plans, dreams, comfort-zones that have became irrelevant since the disaster. Sometimes starting with a blank new page may be a positive thing. Miranda is already doing it - learning to stand, swallow, look into people's eyes and receive facial cues. Ironically, between us she was the spark of life. Life's surprises. To only wish for the pleasant ones is to bury our heads in the sand. Have to dig deep inside - a journey lies ahead. Live on.
"Straighten up and fly right!" - Nat King Cole (1943)
8 pm: Yesterday she looked into my eyes, eyes large as marbles.
Monday Dec 23 9 am: She looked well today, sparing me from becoming odious to the tedious routine of cleaning and exercising.
Christmas Eve 4 pm: She must have also felt the cheers from so many visitors - eyes focused when we look at them. Have a Blessed Christmas.
Christmas Day 9 am: Last night she started uttering gibberish, but only for a while. Speech mountain - pray conquer it.
Boxing Day 10 am: As she looks today. (Permission to post this not clear but it looks better that past photos not posted)
"My faith in you seems gone like a deflating airbag, for all my longing"
"Alone from my friends and companion, who will again endear herself with me like before?"(Ps 38: 6, 9-11 adapted)
"For He knows the secrets of the heart and flesh" (Ps 44: 21)
New Year Eve 8 pm: Must have caught a cough from me. Where has the year gone? If she wakes up tomorrow she'll not remember as Sleeping Beauty or even Rip V Winkle, with half a brain.
Monday 6 Jan 8 am: Still fighting chest cough problems. More vocal sighs.
Friday 10 Jan 9 am: Eyes still locked left in coma, unable to respond. Still coughing 2 weeks now.
Wednesday 15 Jan 4 pm: Cough almost gone so is tone under medication. Now I avoid crowds and bringing home infection. She's also more vocal but not communicating.
Wednesday 22 Jan 9 pm: Yesterday she was clearly groaning in frustration - not gibberish. Miranda is not the kind of person to complain. But it was heart-rending to respond to her. Sleep is probably the best thing for her (and me).
Sunday 26 Jan noon: Maid off and alone with her, have to creatively stimulate her consciousness. Like dripping juice off a mandarin orange - her delight during Chinese New Year.
Tuesday 4 Feb 1 pm: Able to turn head right instead of locked left. Looking ahead. But still not aware of space or recognize her friends or family.
Monday 10 Feb 4 pm: She deserves better care than what we have been giving. Because we've forgotten to talk to her enough, having been more awake lately. And to clear chest fluids constantly by turning. There is this new concept of care-giving - the "humanitude" approach. But cannot expect too much of hired hands.
Thursday 13 Feb 11 am: More responsive in facial if visitors talk to her and encouraging head turning. Must continue with voice stimulation, although her limbs and vocal response do not seem to be progressing.
< End of post> Next: Surviving
These days I keep asking the question: How can one turn a catastrophic ordeal to positive advantage? Despair, hopelessness, fear and abject loneliness is not far away, even if one can mask them with friends. Mental toughness in our inner world comes from rejuvenating, renewing the mind and re-inventing oneself. How can grief be good? I remind myself that there may be better and nobler enterprises in the future ahead. And focusing on a new outlook with ideals that kept hopes alive before. Sure, creatures of comfort and habits hark back to fond memories with ones we missed. Makes us human. Rather than rake up the sadness move on and not before discarding past plans, dreams, comfort-zones that have became irrelevant since the disaster. Sometimes starting with a blank new page may be a positive thing. Miranda is already doing it - learning to stand, swallow, look into people's eyes and receive facial cues. Ironically, between us she was the spark of life. Life's surprises. To only wish for the pleasant ones is to bury our heads in the sand. Have to dig deep inside - a journey lies ahead. Live on.
"Straighten up and fly right!" - Nat King Cole (1943)
8 pm: Yesterday she looked into my eyes, eyes large as marbles.
Monday Dec 23 9 am: She looked well today, sparing me from becoming odious to the tedious routine of cleaning and exercising.
Christmas Eve 4 pm: She must have also felt the cheers from so many visitors - eyes focused when we look at them. Have a Blessed Christmas.
Christmas Day 9 am: Last night she started uttering gibberish, but only for a while. Speech mountain - pray conquer it.
"My faith in you seems gone like a deflating airbag, for all my longing"
"Alone from my friends and companion, who will again endear herself with me like before?"(Ps 38: 6, 9-11 adapted)
"For He knows the secrets of the heart and flesh" (Ps 44: 21)
New Year Eve 8 pm: Must have caught a cough from me. Where has the year gone? If she wakes up tomorrow she'll not remember as Sleeping Beauty or even Rip V Winkle, with half a brain.
Monday 6 Jan 8 am: Still fighting chest cough problems. More vocal sighs.
Friday 10 Jan 9 am: Eyes still locked left in coma, unable to respond. Still coughing 2 weeks now.
Wednesday 15 Jan 4 pm: Cough almost gone so is tone under medication. Now I avoid crowds and bringing home infection. She's also more vocal but not communicating.
Wednesday 22 Jan 9 pm: Yesterday she was clearly groaning in frustration - not gibberish. Miranda is not the kind of person to complain. But it was heart-rending to respond to her. Sleep is probably the best thing for her (and me).
Sunday 26 Jan noon: Maid off and alone with her, have to creatively stimulate her consciousness. Like dripping juice off a mandarin orange - her delight during Chinese New Year.
Tuesday 4 Feb 1 pm: Able to turn head right instead of locked left. Looking ahead. But still not aware of space or recognize her friends or family.
Monday 10 Feb 4 pm: She deserves better care than what we have been giving. Because we've forgotten to talk to her enough, having been more awake lately. And to clear chest fluids constantly by turning. There is this new concept of care-giving - the "humanitude" approach. But cannot expect too much of hired hands.
Thursday 13 Feb 11 am: More responsive in facial if visitors talk to her and encouraging head turning. Must continue with voice stimulation, although her limbs and vocal response do not seem to be progressing.
< End of post> Next: Surviving
Monday, 14 October 2013
The Fight
The will to live. Ever more so needed in illness and aging. Our parents'
deteriorating will to live eventually led to their demise. Francis Shaeffer
with his Christian values of Eternity said in effect fighting Death to
the end is the celebration of life. Any doctor can tell you it is indispensable to complete healing. You can see it in Miranda's
eyeballs. Sometimes they will flit side to side as if the brain is
trying to calibrate itself. Other times you can hear her uttering
softly. But for now she does not engage anyone facially. You cannot tell
what makes her comfortable as part of her will to live. I just found out that a mere change of pampers can reduce her catatonic
fit. Our doctor friends says she will be vegetative for life. Do I just
take this prognosis and give up on her? Sometimes I just feel like I'm wasting all my effort and time. Might as well let her die in September
2011. The reason why she is still with us today was not to close the door on God. Only time will tell - whether she will increase her awareness to a
meaningful stage. True, in the face of acute pain or debilitation logic
becomes irrelevant. Must encourage her to go forward. Same for all of
us - to find the light in the tunnel for ourselves, no matter what. Die
climbing!
5 pm: I behave so childishly - to gain her attention. But failed to have her focus.
Saturday 20 Oct 8 pm: I can still remember those late nights when she, hunched over the laptop, ipod over her ears, singing hymns off-key to herself. So I made sure she still has the ipod joy on her at night.
Thursday 31 Oct 9 pm: Discouraged into silence. But I am encouraged by her acceptance.
Tuesday 5 Nov 8 pm: Head turning more to the right and looking straight, but eyes not focused. She still has no awareness of surroundings.
Sunday 10 Nov 5 pm: Today it seems she can recognize my voice - about time because for two years I've been talking to her.
Tuesday 19 Nov 1 pm: Defeated today. She gets those fits of tone stiffness that does not allow her eyes to relax and focus. Have to watch her progress carefully.
Monday 25 Nov 9 am: There's a constant frown on her face for over two years now. Must massage them off her face.
Tuesday 3 Dec 5 pm: So these days I tried to excite her into making a sound - any sound. But none of the utterance are meaningful. Wakefulness is now longer - but that is not the same as consciousness.
Friday 6 Dec 10 am: Another of those distressed moments when she cries in pain but I do not know where to look. You mothers out there somehow know where when your babies cry. I don't have such instincts. Maybe stomach infection.
Wednesday 11 Dec 3 pm: So it was. All 3 in the house had the runs. Cross infection from the air. But now shes better, minus the left brain.
Tuesday 17 Dec 11 am: Survived a week of battling many fronts. She must fight off any infection from mosquito bites and I must recover a bout of gout. Her eyes continue to focus left.
<End of post> Next: Rejuvenating and Re-inventing
5 pm: I behave so childishly - to gain her attention. But failed to have her focus.
Saturday 20 Oct 8 pm: I can still remember those late nights when she, hunched over the laptop, ipod over her ears, singing hymns off-key to herself. So I made sure she still has the ipod joy on her at night.
Thursday 31 Oct 9 pm: Discouraged into silence. But I am encouraged by her acceptance.
Tuesday 5 Nov 8 pm: Head turning more to the right and looking straight, but eyes not focused. She still has no awareness of surroundings.
Sunday 10 Nov 5 pm: Today it seems she can recognize my voice - about time because for two years I've been talking to her.
Tuesday 19 Nov 1 pm: Defeated today. She gets those fits of tone stiffness that does not allow her eyes to relax and focus. Have to watch her progress carefully.
Monday 25 Nov 9 am: There's a constant frown on her face for over two years now. Must massage them off her face.
Tuesday 3 Dec 5 pm: So these days I tried to excite her into making a sound - any sound. But none of the utterance are meaningful. Wakefulness is now longer - but that is not the same as consciousness.
Friday 6 Dec 10 am: Another of those distressed moments when she cries in pain but I do not know where to look. You mothers out there somehow know where when your babies cry. I don't have such instincts. Maybe stomach infection.
Wednesday 11 Dec 3 pm: So it was. All 3 in the house had the runs. Cross infection from the air. But now shes better, minus the left brain.
Tuesday 17 Dec 11 am: Survived a week of battling many fronts. She must fight off any infection from mosquito bites and I must recover a bout of gout. Her eyes continue to focus left.
<End of post> Next: Rejuvenating and Re-inventing
Sunday, 1 September 2013
On thin ice
Staying well alive. This has become even more imperative these days. Someone said that if you damage your right leg make sure your left remains working. Because one slip from the wounded knee during physio would hurt both Miranda and myself. I once fell off the chair half-asleep, causing her to bump her head on the wall. Each day the challenge is not so much having her improve but going through the grind without mishap. The days seem endless. Its been exactly two years.
Of course the faster she improves the better. The task is to decide what to move forward. Anybody can just leave the daily routine, and everything else to the maid - she is more than satisfied not to do more than the easy things. It takes courage to break new ground - making her swallow reliably than just live on the feeding tube, or stand on both legs well enough to reduce the constant support she needs. Every week I ask myself, "What more can she do than what she can now, or what shall we try next? Improve cognition? Or memory, or arm flexure, speech, whatever." It is easy to sink to oblivion and let life fossilize or fade away. I know Miranda will not have it. And then there are daily voices tormenting me to ask for a miracle...
8 pm: When I said her mother passed away peacefully on Friday there was no visible response. After those years listening to what she said of her mother I felt like she was right there with me at the wake. Strange.
Thursday 5 Sep 1 pm: Today I still cannot imagine - a live wire gone cold. But knowing she appreciates good food I tried feeding her a tasty soup for coke. And she's really gained weight when I made her stand on the scale. Standing exercise must have increased the bone-weight. I'm glad my legs are not weaker.
Wednesday 11 Sep noon: She looked so normal this morning, except for her deformed left brain.
Sunday 15 Sep 10 am: Her legs are stronger, being made to stand half hour daily - the minimum that a normal person should. Now to the arms and hands, hitherto little progress there.
Saturday 21 Sep 10 am: Eye contact - need more of it to revive her cognition. Visitors should try too.
Thursday 26 Sep 10 am: When her cognition returns, ever so little, so will her emotions. It will be a challenge. Yesterday when she looked at me I thought she cried. I too.
Friday 4 Oct 5 pm: There's nothing more to do except to wait. Its the brain - all the other organs seem normal. Exercise keeps them in shape.
Thursday 11 Oct 10 am: Limbs catatonic - the positive view is her brain is trying to wake up to the motor sensors. The bad is that her brain is now unable to control her body. Her sleep cycle is also reversed.
< End of Post > Next:The Fight
Saturday, 15 June 2013
Memory
Memories can hurt. Just ask anyone who has recently lost a loved one. Every relic of the past are reminders - not mere objects. I live with it everyday - golf clubs, shoes on the rack, wardrobe, knick-knacks, books, toothbrush etc - everything she had serves as memorabilia. Every journey I take, such as the usual supermarket, the homes of in-laws or annual trips remind me of past events. But now we are dealing with Miranda's memory. Our memories define us. From birth everything we learned formed our basic cognitional skills. Then as we grow our personalities were built on it - what we retain and what we learned to forget. Her brain is damaged. Does she have a basis for recognizing faces and making simple conversations? She has yet to regain meaningful use of her limbs. What is her sense of space and time? Her eyes does not track in a meaningful way when we talk to her. Most of all, she does not convey what she wants or need or give feed-backs in any way. Everyday as I minister to her needs I get a blank wall. Nobody knows what is most comfortable for her - except when she shows anguish in her coughs and heavy breathing then we know that she needed help. In short, how do you give proper care to a coma patient? I don't know how. And I'm supposed to have given her care for 20 months now. All this time she was not the Miranda I knew - she was a non-person so to speak. Yet sometimes when I look right into her eye, I get the feeling that she knows me.
"O Lord turn and have mercy...change the natural order of things by your miraculous healing power, just as You did as recorded in Your Book"
"Memory is the slender thread of our civilization" - Oliver Stone 2013
11am: Eyes continue to look restful although only 3 hours' sleep. Has been putting on weight - feed reduced.
Tuesday 18 Jun 7am: Today her eyes neither seem to want to connect nor respond to me. Must encourage her will to live on. A difficult week of stiff tonal muscles and heavy breathing. Been a challenge to exercise or even to bathe her. But later in the evening her look improved, even turning to her right and tone normal again.
Friday 21 Jun 3pm: Even as Singaporeans retreat to their air-con burrows in this haze she's still coughing indoors. But at least she's coughing (and sleeping).
June 22 8.15 am: The only time you can look at our precious Sun, the Red Star, with the naked eye at PSI 179. It was 10% smaller than that at the same time the next day with PSI reading 79
Monday 24 Jun 3 pm: So the medical review today resulted in shunt adjustment to reduce flow because of the sunken skull. She is classified "vegetative" due to thalamic damage in her mid-brain. Pray that the thalamus will heal in time (the neurosurgeon thinks it is usually permanent damage but concede that slow eventual healing is possible but a miracle) so that she will begin to respond to stimuli of sound and touch. Only then will meaningful rehab can start.
Saturday Jun 29 8 am: I don't care what the doctor said - for me Miranda is responding in a very slight emotional way, through her eyes, for now. And she will improve, God will heal, albeit very slowly.
Haze on the sun same time on 30 Jun psi 31
Wednesday 3 Jul 2 pm: She is still not able to direct her eyes to external stimuli. But I can sense emotion through her eyes when looking directly at them.
Sunday 7 Jul 9 am: She was catatonic despite the bacclofen, Today's physio was hard, but she stood well on the exercise.
Thursday 11 Jul 8 am: Her eyes seem to move in and out of focus, as if the brain's on some neuro-leptic drug.
Sunday 14 Jul 8 am: Another hard physio session of stiffness, despite having bacclofen an hour earlier. I'm tired. Either increase to therapeutic dosage and risk drowsiness or abandon it altogether.
Wednesday 17 Jul 8 pm: Despair at her not being able to turn to my attention, yet when I feed her a spoonful of coke I could see satisfaction in her eyes. Her throat must be really dry as she's not able to close her mouth during sleep. Just found out the reason for all those chest congestion - poor oral hygiene. Now I've become a strict oral hygienist.
Monday 22 Jul 9 pm: Continued to turn more to the right. Good - waiting for eyes to focus right side. Her tone getting rather stiff despite medication. Want to believe that maybe her brain is trying to recover. After doing physio on her I might need one myself!
Sunday 27 Jul 5 pm: Still waiting for her eye to focus on her right side. Proper brushing to teeth have led to less phlegm and throat congestion. I didn't know that for over a year now.
Friday 2 Aug 10 am: I like to report that she can stand supported for up to 25 minutes if she slept the night before. But nothing about her memory returning.
Sunday 11 Aug 11 am: Just to be sure that people don't optimistically mistake that Miranda is standing up on her own, I've been carrying her on her toes for the last 3 weeks. Sometimes she collapse and I with her. I now appreciate what the neurosurgeon said that she is still vegetative and will remain "unless a miracle happens". I wish not to say this again by ending the blog here.
Sunday 18 Aug 10 am: Continuing to make her stand should improve her motor memory, despite my wounded knee. Then when all seemed lost comes a silver lining - I could feel her toes move. But that was yesterday.
Sunday 25 Aug 7am: Happy Birthday! Still no sign of memory to recognize her well-wishers. May God continue to heal - progressively, no matter how slow it seems. And farewell NUS.
<End of post - next: On thin ice>
"O Lord turn and have mercy...change the natural order of things by your miraculous healing power, just as You did as recorded in Your Book"
"Memory is the slender thread of our civilization" - Oliver Stone 2013
11am: Eyes continue to look restful although only 3 hours' sleep. Has been putting on weight - feed reduced.
Tuesday 18 Jun 7am: Today her eyes neither seem to want to connect nor respond to me. Must encourage her will to live on. A difficult week of stiff tonal muscles and heavy breathing. Been a challenge to exercise or even to bathe her. But later in the evening her look improved, even turning to her right and tone normal again.
Friday 21 Jun 3pm: Even as Singaporeans retreat to their air-con burrows in this haze she's still coughing indoors. But at least she's coughing (and sleeping).
Monday 24 Jun 3 pm: So the medical review today resulted in shunt adjustment to reduce flow because of the sunken skull. She is classified "vegetative" due to thalamic damage in her mid-brain. Pray that the thalamus will heal in time (the neurosurgeon thinks it is usually permanent damage but concede that slow eventual healing is possible but a miracle) so that she will begin to respond to stimuli of sound and touch. Only then will meaningful rehab can start.
Saturday Jun 29 8 am: I don't care what the doctor said - for me Miranda is responding in a very slight emotional way, through her eyes, for now. And she will improve, God will heal, albeit very slowly.
Wednesday 3 Jul 2 pm: She is still not able to direct her eyes to external stimuli. But I can sense emotion through her eyes when looking directly at them.
Sunday 7 Jul 9 am: She was catatonic despite the bacclofen, Today's physio was hard, but she stood well on the exercise.
Thursday 11 Jul 8 am: Her eyes seem to move in and out of focus, as if the brain's on some neuro-leptic drug.
Sunday 14 Jul 8 am: Another hard physio session of stiffness, despite having bacclofen an hour earlier. I'm tired. Either increase to therapeutic dosage and risk drowsiness or abandon it altogether.
Wednesday 17 Jul 8 pm: Despair at her not being able to turn to my attention, yet when I feed her a spoonful of coke I could see satisfaction in her eyes. Her throat must be really dry as she's not able to close her mouth during sleep. Just found out the reason for all those chest congestion - poor oral hygiene. Now I've become a strict oral hygienist.
Monday 22 Jul 9 pm: Continued to turn more to the right. Good - waiting for eyes to focus right side. Her tone getting rather stiff despite medication. Want to believe that maybe her brain is trying to recover. After doing physio on her I might need one myself!
Sunday 27 Jul 5 pm: Still waiting for her eye to focus on her right side. Proper brushing to teeth have led to less phlegm and throat congestion. I didn't know that for over a year now.
Friday 2 Aug 10 am: I like to report that she can stand supported for up to 25 minutes if she slept the night before. But nothing about her memory returning.
Sunday 11 Aug 11 am: Just to be sure that people don't optimistically mistake that Miranda is standing up on her own, I've been carrying her on her toes for the last 3 weeks. Sometimes she collapse and I with her. I now appreciate what the neurosurgeon said that she is still vegetative and will remain "unless a miracle happens". I wish not to say this again by ending the blog here.
Sunday 18 Aug 10 am: Continuing to make her stand should improve her motor memory, despite my wounded knee. Then when all seemed lost comes a silver lining - I could feel her toes move. But that was yesterday.
Sunday 25 Aug 7am: Happy Birthday! Still no sign of memory to recognize her well-wishers. May God continue to heal - progressively, no matter how slow it seems. And farewell NUS.
<End of post - next: On thin ice>
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