These days I keep asking the question: How can one turn a catastrophic ordeal to positive advantage? Despair, hopelessness, fear and abject loneliness is not far away, even if one can mask them with friends. Mental toughness in our inner world comes from rejuvenating, renewing the mind and re-inventing oneself. How can grief be good? I remind myself that there may be better and nobler enterprises in the future ahead. And focusing on a new outlook with ideals that kept hopes alive before. Sure, creatures of comfort and habits hark back to fond memories with ones we missed. Makes us human. Rather than rake up the sadness move on and not before discarding past plans, dreams, comfort-zones that have became irrelevant since the disaster. Sometimes starting with a blank new page may be a positive thing. Miranda is already doing it - learning to stand, swallow, look into people's eyes and receive facial cues. Ironically, between us she was the spark of life. Life's surprises. To only wish for the pleasant ones is to bury our heads in the sand. Have to dig deep inside - a journey lies ahead. Live on.
"Straighten up and fly right!" - Nat King Cole (1943)
8 pm: Yesterday she looked into my eyes, eyes large as marbles.
Monday Dec 23 9 am: She looked well today, sparing me from becoming odious to the tedious routine of cleaning and exercising.
Christmas Eve 4 pm: She must have also felt the cheers from so many visitors - eyes focused when we look at them. Have a Blessed Christmas.
Christmas Day 9 am: Last night she started uttering gibberish, but only for a while. Speech mountain - pray conquer it.
"My faith in you seems gone like a deflating airbag, for all my longing"
"Alone from my friends and companion, who will again endear herself with me like before?"(Ps 38: 6, 9-11 adapted)
"For He knows the secrets of the heart and flesh" (Ps 44: 21)
New Year Eve 8 pm: Must have caught a cough from me. Where has the year gone? If she wakes up tomorrow she'll not remember as Sleeping Beauty or even Rip V Winkle, with half a brain.
Monday 6 Jan 8 am: Still fighting chest cough problems. More vocal sighs.
Friday 10 Jan 9 am: Eyes still locked left in coma, unable to respond. Still coughing 2 weeks now.
Wednesday 15 Jan 4 pm: Cough almost gone so is tone under medication. Now I avoid crowds and bringing home infection. She's also more vocal but not communicating.
Wednesday 22 Jan 9 pm: Yesterday she was clearly groaning in frustration - not gibberish. Miranda is not the kind of person to complain. But it was heart-rending to respond to her. Sleep is probably the best thing for her (and me).
Sunday 26 Jan noon: Maid off and alone with her, have to creatively stimulate her consciousness. Like dripping juice off a mandarin orange - her delight during Chinese New Year.
Tuesday 4 Feb 1 pm: Able to turn head right instead of locked left. Looking ahead. But still not aware of space or recognize her friends or family.
Monday 10 Feb 4 pm: She deserves better care than what we have been giving. Because we've forgotten to talk to her enough, having been more awake lately. And to clear chest fluids constantly by turning. There is this new concept of care-giving - the "humanitude" approach. But cannot expect too much of hired hands.
Thursday 13 Feb 11 am: More responsive in facial if visitors talk to her and encouraging head turning. Must continue with voice stimulation, although her limbs and vocal response do not seem to be progressing.
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