The Fight

The will to live. Ever more so needed in illness and aging. Our parents' deteriorating will to live eventually led to their demise. Francis Shaeffer with his Christian values of Eternity said in effect fighting Death to the end is the celebration of life. Any doctor can tell you it is indispensable to complete healing. You can see it in Miranda's eyeballs. Sometimes they will flit side to side as if the brain is trying to calibrate itself. Other times you can hear her uttering softly. But for now she does not engage anyone facially. You cannot tell what makes her comfortable as part of her will to live. I just found out that a mere change of pampers can reduce her catatonic fit. Our doctor friends says she will be vegetative for life. Do I just take this prognosis and give up on her? Sometimes I just feel like I'm wasting all my effort and time. Might as well let her die in September 2011. The reason why she is still with us today was not to close the door on God. Only time will tell - whether she will increase her awareness to a meaningful stage. True, in the face of acute pain or debilitation logic becomes irrelevant. Must encourage her to go forward. Same for all of us - to find the light in the tunnel for ourselves, no matter what. Die climbing!

5 pm: I behave so childishly - to gain her attention. But failed to have her focus.

Saturday 20 Oct 8 pm: I can still remember those late nights when she, hunched over the laptop, ipod over her ears, singing hymns off-key to herself. So I made sure she still has the ipod joy on her at night.

Thursday 31 Oct 9 pm: Discouraged into silence. But I am encouraged by her acceptance.

Tuesday 5 Nov 8 pm: Head turning more to the right and looking straight, but eyes not focused. She still has no awareness of surroundings.

Sunday 10 Nov 5 pm: Today it seems she can recognize my voice - about time because for two years I've been talking to her.

Tuesday 19 Nov 1 pm: Defeated today. She gets those fits of tone stiffness that does not allow her eyes to relax and focus. Have to watch her progress carefully.

Monday 25 Nov 9 am: There's a constant frown on her face for over two years now. Must massage them off her face.

Tuesday 3 Dec 5 pm: So these days I tried to excite her into making a sound - any sound. But none of the utterance are meaningful. Wakefulness is now longer - but that is not the same as consciousness.

Friday 6 Dec 10 am: Another of those distressed moments when she cries in pain but I do not know where to look. You mothers out there somehow know where when your babies cry. I don't have such instincts. Maybe stomach infection.

Wednesday 11 Dec 3 pm: So it was. All 3 in the house had the runs. Cross infection from the air. But now shes better, minus the left brain.

Tuesday 17 Dec 11 am: Survived a week of battling many fronts. She must fight off any infection from mosquito bites and I must recover a bout of gout. Her eyes continue to focus left.

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