Hope

"Faith is the substance of things hoped for - the evidence of things not seen."

Miranda's recovery seemed to have plateaued. Around the first week of September 2011 when I sat distraught and confused in the ICU the neurosurgeon already predicted so. He said that most coma patients from ruptured brain aneurysms either recover consciousness in the first 2 to 3 weeks or hardly at all at 10% chance. The stories of people getting up suddenly from coma years after lying unconscious are mere sensational news stories, he said, and had never been witnessed by him. In the past week, some 14 months after her cranial surgery, Miranda, still unaware of her surroundings could only groan and sigh. Yesterday she tried to sit up from her wheelchair and turned her head, her right eyelid quivering, looking virtually at nothing. I feared she was about to have another spasm or fit. After she calmed down I was having to think deeply what all these mean. Is there no more progress? Will she be bedridden the rest of her life, with a healthy bodily "shell" and nothing much else? What if she outlives me, as caregiver getting older and weaker tending to her needs? One day I may not be able to lift her as easily. What about my needs? We have no children - only 5 dogs reaching the end of their lifespan. Just hoping things can turn for the better before they get worse. Besides hoping, I may have to make long-term plans. And also get a life!

Monday Nov 26 10am: Having had a fair night's sleep she stood well on her feet this morning, supported of course. Also gave us an affectionate look. Hoping she'll prove the neurosurgeon wrong.

Thursday Nov 29 2pm: Nothing of consequence this week. Christmas carols over the air stabbed me with nostalgia and deep sadness - that she would not be doing what we usually do at this time of the year. Maybe it will ring a bell in her.

Saturday Dec 1 8pm: This morning her eyes fixed on mine sadly, as if saying to please help her out of her state. But I'm not God. Then at 4pm her right arm moved slightly. So I said loudly for her to squeeze my hand. After some coaxing she did, but I'm not sure whether it was volitional or just tone.

Monday Dec 3 11am: On Friday her nystagmus returned. So badly it is bizarre. Like the electronics gone haywire behind the eyes of a bedraggled doll. Today she slept well, unlike me.

Thursday Dec 6 5pm: For 3 days now her tone was bad - stiffened limbs come and go. And panting. But her sleep was regular. The words of unbelief scream at me:

If God does not want to heal her why keep her alive to torment me? If she has her left brain she wouldn't want to live like a zombie.  She almost died on the day of her stroke. Then why for the love of her keep her in this state? And if she does not recover and does not survive later there's the pain of losing her again after all the care. What is the purpose of all this?

Sunday  Dec 9 2pm: Waited for 3 days to bring better cheer but little came. Her right side tone remains stiff and her will to go on needs a boost. Maybe her brain is fighting to get back her right motor response.

Monday Dec 10 8am: Last night she recovered some sleep and hence this morning some sanity returned. Hoping her limbs remain soft.

Thursday Dec 13 4pm: A bit more cheerful this morning. I'm slowly getting used to not feeling sad when not communicating to her like a normal person. She is after all still in coma.

Sunday Dec 16 10am: Her right limbs continue with stiffness, but I must soldier on - perhaps her left brain is fighting. This morning had some difficulty to lift her for the bath - has she gained weight or I've lost strength?

Wednesday Dec 19 4pm: 3 days of sleepless nights and today when she's recovered her sleep I thought I recognized her when our eyes met. Still fighting her right-side tone.

Saturday Dec 22 6pm: Observing her last 3 days I want to make an entry to say that it appears she's on the mend, because her eyes are more natural and she's been more vocal - not talking but sighs. But I fear to be disappointed again. It will be nice if she can smile or even look comfortable but I may be asking too much for Yuletide cheer.

Christmas Day 9pm: I kept reminding her to the point of being comical. Hey its Christmas - what are we doing today! Maybe its my imagination but I thought she could not resist a laugh. Have decided to give her Keppra today to reduce the tone and spasm. It worked - at the cost of sleepiness.

Saturday 29 Dec 9pm: Life must be really boring now for such an active mind of hers before the stroke. She now looks normal - eyes focused - it is hard to tell Miranda's real condition thru the blog - you'll have to see her yourself. She will not turn her head or move her eyes to your call although her hearing is acute - I know because her fingers twitch at sound as much as a clink in the room. And if you move into her view her eyes will focus with no hint of recognition or emotion. She can see you talking but there is no interaction or feedback. She may move her mouth but not utter a word. Has she lost the necessary database in her brain?

New Years Eve 11am: So I tried to cheer her by reminding her what we normally do at NY - her eyes seemed to lack life and will to fight. Maybe because she was watching TV whole night? Here's hoping that next year may be better. Have a safe one.

From www.planetware.com/i/photo

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